Twelve months ago life was good. Or so I believed. Imogen had had her first surgery and was happily settled into the first year of Primary School. Paul was employed full time, Maddison was admittedly ferral (but we've come to expect that from her) and I was five months pregnant with Willow. I would never have guessed that by Christmas, Paul would have no job and I would be suffering from Depression and severe Anxiety. Let me tell you, it is a horrible feeling to continuously believe that you are going to die with every headache, pain or new feeling your body feels. I am truly lucky to have a husband like Paul who is so understanding and supportive!
Last week I had my first of what will more than likely be several Psychologist appointments. It is funny how you can completely pour your heart out to a complete stranger, but to friends and family you always say your fine. I learnt last week I am far from fine.
In the first ten minutes of my appointment my Psychologist said she was amazed I had not suffered fom any forms of anxiety or stress related illnesses before. We were only up to 1998.
Which I believe is where it all began.
Nearly everyone has heard a version of what they believe to be the truth of how Paul and my realtionship started. Paul and I, our friends and family and most importantly God knows the real truth and they are the only people that matter. I have spent nearly twelve years holding onto anger over the way we were judged and treated and it's time I let it go. I can only hope people never have to go through what we went through and those that treated us as they did can forgive themselves.
You may wonder why I would bring this up after so many years, but that year has formed the basis of a lot of my issues. For a long time I have pretended everythings ok, when it's not. For example, when Imogen was born, I was asked by an Officer if I felt her leg defieciency was God's way of punishing me for what she obviously believed were my and Paul's mistakes. I hadn't thought that until it was asked. But now! Guilt anyone?? Medically, I know there was nothing I did/could have done to prevent it, but it's still hard to not ask the what ifs...
I've often felt like people expect me to be the strong one. Mainly from family, but a few friends too. I can be strong, and as we all well know, I say it like it is. Sometimes though, things are just too much to handle. I know it isn't just me that feels like this! I think these days we just expect too much from ourselves and each other. I just think when we have someone in our life who is always strong for you, we don't stop and consider if they need anyone to be strong for them.
Don't get me wrong. I'm very fortunate to have a loving family and great friends. It's just not always easy to find time to sit and have those deep and meaningful discussions. Also, it's always in the back of my mind that I'm having a whinge or over reacting to things.
Only time will tell how I'm going to come out of this latest cloud of anxiety. I'm just hoping and praying it's going to be soon! I'm also certain that when I do, I will be a better person because of it.
I want to leave you with the verse of a song I had the pleasure of singing with the Preston band some time ago.
I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle, to bring me gain.
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide. He's ALWAYS been faithful to me..........
