It's Nat and I'm hi-jacking Paul's blog.......

Twelve months ago life was good. Or so I believed. Imogen had had her first surgery and was happily settled into the first year of Primary School. Paul was employed full time, Maddison was admittedly ferral (but we've come to expect that from her) and I was five months pregnant with Willow. I would never have guessed that by Christmas, Paul would have no job and I would be suffering from Depression and severe Anxiety. Let me tell you, it is a horrible feeling to continuously believe that you are going to die with every headache, pain or new feeling your body feels. I am truly lucky to have a husband like Paul who is so understanding and supportive!

Last week I had my first of what will more than likely be several Psychologist appointments. It is funny how you can completely pour your heart out to a complete stranger, but to friends and family you always say your fine. I learnt last week I am far from fine.

In the first ten minutes of my appointment my Psychologist said she was amazed I had not suffered fom any forms of anxiety or stress related illnesses before. We were only up to 1998.
Which I believe is where it all began.

Nearly everyone has heard a version of what they believe to be the truth of how Paul and my realtionship started. Paul and I, our friends and family and most importantly God knows the real truth and they are the only people that matter. I have spent nearly twelve years holding onto anger over the way we were judged and treated and it's time I let it go. I can only hope people never have to go through what we went through and those that treated us as they did can forgive themselves.

You may wonder why I would bring this up after so many years, but that year has formed the basis of a lot of my issues. For a long time I have pretended everythings ok, when it's not. For example, when Imogen was born, I was asked by an Officer if I felt her leg defieciency was God's way of punishing me for what she obviously believed were my and Paul's mistakes. I hadn't thought that until it was asked. But now! Guilt anyone?? Medically, I know there was nothing I did/could have done to prevent it, but it's still hard to not ask the what ifs...

I've often felt like people expect me to be the strong one. Mainly from family, but a few friends too. I can be strong, and as we all well know, I say it like it is. Sometimes though, things are just too much to handle. I know it isn't just me that feels like this! I think these days we just expect too much from ourselves and each other. I just think when we have someone in our life who is always strong for you, we don't stop and consider if they need anyone to be strong for them.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very fortunate to have a loving family and great friends. It's just not always easy to find time to sit and have those deep and meaningful discussions. Also, it's always in the back of my mind that I'm having a whinge or over reacting to things.

Only time will tell how I'm going to come out of this latest cloud of anxiety. I'm just hoping and praying it's going to be soon! I'm also certain that when I do, I will be a better person because of it.

I want to leave you with the verse of a song I had the pleasure of singing with the Preston band some time ago.

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle, to bring me gain.
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand

All I have need of, His hand will provide. He's ALWAYS been faithful to me..........

Waiting, Waiting.

As I still wait for employment and have been proactive in sending many, many applications, resumes and cover letters, I still have no full time employment.

I have some "irons in the fire" but nothing concrete as yet.

Now a further dilemma has arisen.... My daily devotional for the 04/01/10 read:
Never run before God gives you His direction. If you have the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt - wait.

Wait for God's timing and He will do it without any heartache or disappointment. When it is a question of the providential will of God, wait for God to move.


OK, so how long should I wait ?
I do have doubts regarding one particular application - what do I do about it ?
Should I continue to be proactive in my approach for "commercial" employment opportunities when I have said that my preference is to work for The Salvation Army in some capacity ?
What happens when financial obligations and God's timing /waiting reach breaking point ?

So many questions left unanswered .......

So as I continue to "wait upon the Lord" for the right employment opportunity, I pray for patience (not my strongest attribute) and strength to continue in the search for God's will in my life.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Isaiah 40 vs 28-31

Grace Alone

The Preston Salvation Army Band in which I am privileged to be a part of, is well into its 2009 Christmas Carolling schedule.

We are fortunate to be able to play carols in the streets of Preston (Victoria) and in a major Shopping Centre - Northlands.

In the Shopping Centre, the traditional carols mixed with Christmas songs are played and people gather around to listen and then move off to complete the last minute Christmas shopping before it's too late.

We have been able to make contact with people if they have has a spare minute and although it only may be a brief time in the busyness of the season, I can not help wonder if people really stop to take in the real meaning of Christmas.

I pray that we have been able to give some hope to people this Christmas, some small word as to the reason for the season and share some peace in this time of year.

A song that has been playing in my mind (albeit not a Christmas song) speaks of the Grace of God. In Christianity - Grace is defined as "unmerited favour" from God.

Every promise we can make
Every prayer and step of faith
Every difference we can make
Is only by His grace.
Every mountain we will climb
Every ray of hope we shine
Every blessing left behind
Is only by His grace

Grace alone which God supplies
Strength unknown He will provide
Christ in us, our cornerstone
We will go forth in grace alone.

Every soul we long to reach
Every heart we hope to teach
Everywhere we share His peace
Is only by His grace.
Every loving word we say
Every tear we wipe away
Every sorrow turned to praise
Is only by His grace.

Grace alone which God supplies
Strength unknown He will provide
Christ in us, our cornerstone
We will go forth in grace alone.

As we have had a chance again this year to spread the "Good News" of Christmas in our small corner of the world, I pray that people will understand that peace, strength and hope for the future can be found in the real meaning of Christmas, and those of us who profess to be Christians, go out with Christ as our cornerstone to a world in need of hope, peace and love.

Be Still and Know

God knows we are not strong all the time..... Sometimes all we can do is rest in His arms as he takes us through the journey of life... With Him we are safe.

Psalm 46:10a
Be still and know that I am God


Hide me now under your wings
Cover me within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know you are God.

I rest my soul in Christ alone
Know his power in quietness and trust

Find rest my soul in Christ alone
Know his power in quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know you are God




In thee O Lord, do I put my trust.
SACB 73


Resting in the Lord is not dependent on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God himself.


In every trouble we should first seek to realize God's presence with us. Only let us enjoy his smile, and we can bear our daily cross with a willing heart for his dear sake.

All your anxiety, all your care.

An "old" song/hymn sung at our church hit me out of the blue today. I know it well and have sung/played it over and over for many years.

It sums up a great truth that there is nothing God can not do - all we need to do is bring our worries, concerns, thoughts, hopes, feelings, our past, present and future to God for him to take control where we think we have none.

Is there a heart o'er bound with sorrow?
Is there a life weighed down by care?
Come to the cross, each burden bearing,
All your anxiety, leave it there.

No other friend so keen to help you;
No other friend so quick to hear;
No other place to leave your burden;
No other one to hear your prayer.

Come, then, at once; delay no longer;
Heed his entreaty, kind and sweet;
You need not fear a disappointment;
You shall find peace at the mercy seat.

All your anxiety, all your care,
Bring to the mercy seat, leave it there,
Never a burden he cannot bear,
Never a friend like Jesus.

Edward Henry Joy SASB 246


With Christ's peace, we have no need to fear the present or the future. If your life is full of stress, allow the Holy Spirit to fill you with Christ's Peace.

How to handle rejection

Tonight as I sit typing by candle light (not to save power, but seeking some quite, uninterrupted solitude) I reflect on the past few days.

I seem to be focused on the past and dwelling on the "poor" results and rejection since my redundancy back almost 4 weeks ago.

I have reflected on what service I can do for God, in what areas, and also how can I better serve thee Lord ?

I have commented on stress and now know that it is not only effecting me, but Nat as well. Anxiety for both of us is playing a horrible part in our lives and we are only 4 weeks in. I hesitate to comment but, the devil is having a field day - or so it seems - with both of us at present.

I have been trying to make sense in everything that has happened over the past 18 months - the reasons why we are where we are at today - I have no answers !

I was reminded this week that I made a "half hearted" decision to "serve" in some capacity within the Salvation Army and whilst there may be still a slim chance, I am not sure how, what, where or when. It's easy to sit back and say "because I'm a Salvo - you should employ me", but how committed to God am I ? My commitment to the Salvation Army has been very strong - even through some "interesting" times several years ago, but I never stopped going and I never ceased my commitment to the Salvation Army.

See the problem !!

Where is my commitment to God ? Have I really had a "real"relationship with him ? Have I given up my all to follow - just to do my Masters will ? Probably not.

My daily readings have been a great help through out the past several months.

"in every trouble we should first seek to realize Gods presence with us. Only let us enjoy his smile and we can bear our daily cross with a willing heart for his dear sake"

How easy it is to pass the blame onto God and accuse him of letting us down. I have done this many times and even over the past several months have questions God's involvement in my life.

"Resting in the Lord is not dependent on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God himself.

Well, tonight will require some time on my knees to reassess my relationship with God. I'm not expecting that God will grant my every want, but I will need some reassurance that he will provide all my (and Nat, Imogen, Maddison and Willow's) needs.

Lord I am praying for you to meet my need and I will continue to pray for some service advice too..

Strength for my weakness, Lord, impart;
Sight for my blindness give to me;
Faith for my doubting, Lord, I would crave,
That I may serve thee worthily.

Here at the cross at this sacred hour,
Here at the source of reviving power,
Helpless indeed, I come with my need;
Lord, for thy service, fit me I plead.

Bramwell Coles SASB 488

Immanuel - God with us

Today I completed my interview with a division of the Salvation Army and now I wait patiently for the outcome.

After the interview I met with friends, Lt. Cols Peter and Jenny Walker and explained my situation as I had briefly discussed this with Peter on Sunday afternoon. On the way, out Peter explained that not matter what happens - God is with us (me) - through all circumstances of life and what ever life "throws at us".

At this Christmas time, we often sing about Immanuel - God with us, and it was a timely reminder to me that no matter where I am in life's journey God is always there.

I make it difficult for him to be around me at times as I "wander" though life - sometimes aimlessly - but as I previously Blogged - He's always been faithful to me.

As I sit and enter this Blog, I wonder whether I have done enough time getting serious with my choices and serious with letting God have is way with my future - sure I have prayed, read my devotions, put my circumstances to Him and even stepped out in commitment to say - here am I my Lord send me. But I put restrictions on this and said I want to serve only in a business capacity using my current skills and knowledge base for work He appoints me to do - not much of a pledge in hindsight, but, having an application in for a significant role within the Salvation Army, I thought this would be enough.

Now, as doubts and anxiety start to surface, I again find myself looking for answers.

My devotions for Nov 30th read:
The band of disciples would undergo severe testing before they were transformed from hesitant followers to dynamic leaders. You may have made big mistakes in your life, committed sins you're ashamed to remember. Yet nothing is beyond Jesus' forgiveness. He can help you become the person he wants you to become, but you must allow him to forgive you and work in your life. He did this for these disciples - and they changed the world.

Well after 3 weeks of enforced holidays - hesitation is setting in - What if these interviews turn into no full time employment ? Where will this leave me (us) after Christmas ?

I need to be constantly stirred about my Faith journey and understand that;
"Faith may take you where you least expect it, but have faith that you are exactly where you are supposed to be."

I'm not sure that unemployed with a wife and 3 children to support is where I'm "supposed to be" and hence the struggle with where I'm at today and what the future holds for us - as time marches on, bills start to mount up and job prospect "dry up" (hopefully only for this Christmas period) - now comes the true test of faith.

"Faith is just a decision that we make to trust God and not worry. It's a small thing in our hands, but when we hold the key of faith, God can open many doors"